No. 168 - 800 Miles Away
A candle is burning – the only light in a pitch-black studio – alone
I have a chew of Red Man in…spitting in a coffee cup
Listening to Vivaldi…holding back so many tears…a dam about to burst as the violins tear me apart
Guilt, confusion, pain, worry…a horrific cocktail of feelings toying with me
My mother is being prepared for surgery…I’m 800 miles away
Living my dream…dancing through a curious chapter of life that was once an impossible vision that so many ridiculed…including myself
To have finally attained it…to have it in my hands…feeling exalted…a sense of deliverance
And I’m alone
No family
Just my poets who I’ve adopted as brothers
Who I confide in…who I hide in…who I go on walks with…who hold me when I’m breaking
Who understand me…who don’t judge me…who bring peace and release me from my fears
To have finally got everything within my grasp
And then to hear my mother is in an emergency room and I can’t be with her
I can’t sleep in the hospital room
I can’t take care of her
I can’t watch her while she sleeps
I sit here in the dark…with Vivaldi, and Dylan, and Frost, and my Lord
Praying
Praying for the surgeons hands
Praying that she won’t be scared
Praying that dad won’t be scared
Wanting to call my brother to talk…but he’s dead
All I can do is pray…and breathe…and let the violins course through my innards
I want to be twelve years old on Icicle Creek…in our family’s campground
With the sound of the river
The smell of pancakes cooking
Of watching dad in his waders with his fishing rod patiently waiting for a trout to take his rooster tail
Of waking up in a sleeping bag next to Jeffrey…his blonde hair on a pillow next to me
His eyelids closed…watching him sleep…lost in dreams and the smell of last night’s campfire
Mom is young…no idea she’ll lose her baby boy to a horrid virus in his heart
Just a family on a summer camping trip…no one is sick
No one is dying
Just the four of us in the mountains
But I’m in Austin, Jeffrey is in heaven, and Mom is in the ER with dad
So I’ll put on Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto…close my eyes…and conduct a symphony with my aching hands
